I am sick of wanting
It's evil and it's daunting
How I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me
I point fingers but there's no one there to blame
I need for something
No, let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine
I am sick with wanting
I's evil how it's got me
And everyday is worse than the one before
The more I have, the more I think
I'm almost where I need to be
If only I could get a little more
Something has me (something has me)
Oh, something has me
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me (something has me)
These are some lyrics from a song called "Ill with Want" by The Avett Brothers - I feel endorse them. Good music, good lyrics, great singer. But that is beside the point. This song is one of the few that summarizes how I would feel during episodes of my own eating disorder. Jut last night I worked out for a great deal of time using ballet in order to lengthen and slim down my body. I have becoming obsessed again; desiring being ethereal and waif-like, thin and elegant.
But there is more to this than me just worrying, there are some triggers. I will be entirely honest that the film Black Swan and some paintings of adult ballerinas nearly devastated me. I know this is irrational, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. I will admit, part of this has to do with my unfulfilled desire to be a dancer, but more now is that they have my ideal body type.
But let's be honest, there is a lot to being a ballerina that would be appealing to someone with an eating disorder;
1. a rigorous work ethic
2. a strict diet
3. a strong sense of balance and self-control
4. perpetuating endless grace.
This sounds like being a ballerina is being ultimately feminine. What woman does not want to be eternally graceful? These women (and men) are strong and controlled and something to revere.
Most of my life I have had a dancer's physique, but as I have gotten more lax in my activity it has become more... curvaceous than I would like.
It is more that I, and many other eating disorder sufferers, would like more control. We need to balance between the food we eat and the amount of activity we put out, and we certainly shouldn't purge. But this is the same for anyone, there needs to be balance. Last night, after a shower and my work out, I watched a documentary called "Killer at Large: Why Obesity is America's Greatest Threat". Through the duration of the film I was overcome with disgust and shame and fear. Yes, fear. I was petrified of becoming even the slightest bit pudgy.
It is true that america has food available in mass and it tends to be more fattening than before. But what is the most interesting is that out society perfectly represents both ends of the spectrum; morbidly obese and extreme (intentional)malnutrition. But how exactly do we have such a dynamic? Recent statistics show that Europe, Japan, and America have the same number of fast food restaurants so it isn't their presence alone doing this. The truth is that america is one of the most gluttonous cultures in the world. Perhaps I should also define gluttony precisely: it is the act of eating in excess or withholding from yourself in excess. Pretty much just too much of anything is bad. This fostering of overindulgence has lead to a fat cultural identity. The world sees america as fat and when there are vulnerable individuals with CNC or other issues they will identify with this they see themselves as fat. I see these reports nearly everyday, you know the kind. They show huddled masses of obese americans with their faces cropped out of the picture. If that is american then is that me? This can lead to an identity crisis.Don't even get me started on the whole body dismorphic disorder that this can result in. It seems america would rather focus on our obese, while this is an important issue, we can't forget the individuals on the other end. This situations just feeds them - no pun intended.
I recently read a report where an obese 12-year-old girl weighed in at nearly 230 lbs. and got liposuction. 12! Our society likes it's quick fix but that seems a little ridiculous. We need to change our way of eating, portion sizes, etc. Did you know that an average adult sized value meal at McDonalds is nearly 1180 calories? The suggested caloric intake for the day is 2000. Their children meals are just as bad, they have enough calories for an adult male.
The public reaction seems to be indifference. We are obese and we are starving. But this doesn't stop us from putting pressure on those already thin. Our models are the "face of america" and this obesity epidemic puts more pressure on them to stay thin and even get thinner. We have women and men striving to be as thin as they can and others who are overindulging for all sorts of reasons. We are killing ourselves with and without food. We are a food obsesses society.
I feel that there are some other issues our youth are facing, not only does american have a fat identity we also have all these other cultures battling it out. We are the melting pot and I have started developing a theory I call "the melting pot effect". In my next eating disorder post I will try to summarize my ideas as best I can.
updates:
I bought a new book today entitled Hunger: A Mother and Daughter Fight Anorexia by Sheila and Lisa Himmel. The basic synopsis is about a mother who was a food journalist and a daughter who developed an eating disorder. The irony is not lost on me. I intend to use any information I gather there to help develop my thesis. I also bought an art history book about censorship and such called The Best Art You've Never Seen by Julian Spalding. Also, I have added a new link to my friend Mikey's blog. He gets displeased and blogs about it, always a good read.
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