Allegory of the Cave

Joshua came home and told me about an argument he entered into about Plato. Someone mentioned he had started reading Plato's The Republic and was enjoying it so far. Someone else invited themselves into the conversation, calling this reader a "pretentious fucking, entry-level hipster try-hard, shitty bastard." I won't even start with the fact that his choice of wording was not only sophomoric but also extremely uninspired (if you are going to insult, do it with flare).
First, I shall address the idea that it is pretentious. I think many people lack an understanding of what this word really means. Pretentious simply means creating an appearance of great worth, or ostentatious (the most ostentatious of words, ha. I made a funny). It means to put on a facade. The book itself is not doing this. Someone needs a dictionary. Next point; entry-leve is actually fairly accurate, but that is by no means a bad thing. You need to start somewhere, you can't dive in to Soren Kierkegaard without some basic understanding of some philosophical views.
Try-hard? I don't even understand this one. Hipster? I should certainly hope not. It is my understanding that hipsters do things only for the sake of image without any true enlightenment or understanding of anything. THAT'S PRETENTIOUS. I am done trying to determine where he has any sort of validity to his slew of crass insults.
I never read Plato myself until my freshmen year of college. I took a Philosophy 101 course as an introduction into the world of great philosophers and history. I had one of the best professors, Dr. James Pearce. He was bald, oddly muscular, and wore a lot of turtlenecks or underarmor shirts with sports jackets, but he was brilliant all the same. Even after my class with him we spoke often and had lunch on several occasions, then his wife left him. One day, mid-semester, he just left. Tony and I went to his office and everything was gone. It was sad, but he instilled a love of philosophy in me. I wish I could track him down, but I did find his book on amazon; Learning to Think. Buy it.

We read The Allegory of the Cave by Plato and I became enamored. It represented my awakening and discovery. I identified with the individuals within the story on the most basic level, though the comparisons stop after awhile. If you want to read the entire text click this link as my summary might leave a bit to be desired.
Here is a basic synopsis; there are several "prisoners" living in an underground cave. They have been chained and positioned in a way that they can only see the wall in front of them. They have lived their whole lives liked this (you have to have an open mind here as the situation is unbelievable). Elevated behind them are other men standing around a fire, some are making noise while others a silent. They have a screen where they have puppets that cast shadows on the wall for the prisoners to see. They also see the shadows of the men and things they carry. This leaves the prisoners to come up with words and names for all these things on their own.  
One day a prisoner got out and stumbled into the outside world. He begins to understand everything, even the sun and it's importance to our existence. Plato's metaphor for the sun is near the end of his The Republic, book VI. He then returns back to the cave to tell the prisoners of what he has learned. They refuse to believe him.
This is my favorite writing by him. It is the perfect example to explain how we perceive reality. It represents a complex model for which we go through our lives and understanding. It is our path to complete awareness. The way in which it was approached gives us a unique look at how reality plays such an important part in our existence. The Matrix comes to mind, eh? The pill is his emergence from the metaphorical cave.

Random observance:
I have worked at various restaurants over the years, including now as I finish college. Why is it that baked potatoes are always more expensive than mashed potatoes or french fries? They clearly take the least amount of work.

On these two things I leave you with my final thoughts of 2010 and prepare for 2011. Tonight I drink wine and read with Joshua on my mind as he has to work this evening. You only have more to look forward to.

...and the Danes strike again

Thanks to my new book; The Best Art You've Never Seen by Julian Spalding, I have learned about all sorts of interesting art pieces that have been stashed away for centuries for a plethora of reasons. One that caught my eye today was the Trundholm Sun Chariot. Like the Dancing Satyr of Mazara and Bronze Zeus (or maybe Poseidon), it was found hidden by nature. It was discovered in 1902 in a peat bog somewhere in Denmark. Them and their bogs...littered with all sort of artifacts, and lots of bodies apparently. The piece is made of bronze and gilded with gold.
This piece is theorized to teach initiates how the sun was pulled across the sky since they seem to believe it wasn't made purely for ornament or decoration (I think it easily could have been). According to Norse mythology Sol is the goddess of the sun. She would ride through the sky on her chariot pulled by her horses Arvak and Alsvid. Quite similar to the Greek Helios.
Interesting thing, only one side of the sun if gilded with the gold, the other side is plain. Which seems to indicate the darkness that would descend upon the world with the absence on the sun.
This entire concept is quite poetic and beautiful, as most of the mythological explanation for things. This probably was some sort of educational piece or even part of an altar piece, but you have to wonder how it ended u in that bog in the first place. According to this book it was intentionally broken into pieces and place carefully within the bog. Was this meant for preservation or destruction? Many anthropologists believe these bogs were often used as sacrificial sites. The nordic people seemed to believe these bogs had preserving properties (which is sort of correct) and this was probably an offering to Sol.

So many more interesting pieces in this book to discuss, be prepared for some education.

disorders-shmismorders: part 4

I am sick of wanting

It's evil and it's daunting

How I let everything I cherish lay to waste

I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me

I point fingers but there's no one there to blame

I need for something

No, let me break it down again  

I need for something

But not more medicine

I am sick with wanting

I's evil how it's got me

And everyday is worse than the one before

The more I have, the more I think

I'm almost where I need to be

If only I could get a little more

Something has me (something has me)

Oh, something has me

Acting like someone I don't wanna be

Something has me (something has me)

These are some lyrics from a song called "Ill with Want" by The Avett Brothers - I feel endorse them. Good music, good lyrics, great singer. But that is beside the point. This song is one of the few that summarizes how I would feel during episodes of my own eating disorder. Jut last night I worked out for a great deal of time using ballet in order to lengthen and slim down my body. I have becoming obsessed again; desiring being ethereal and waif-like, thin and elegant.

I go through periods of not being concerned with my eating or activity to lengthly periods wherein I am incessantly concerned. The winter is the worst as I tend to desire more carbs and get more lethargic and want to bundle up. I am less apt to drive out to the gym to run for an hour. Then I feel guilty. I am slowly developing more of an activity disorder; moving as much as possible and doing ballet at home for many hours.
But there is more to this than me just worrying, there are some triggers. I will be entirely honest that the film Black Swan and some paintings of adult ballerinas nearly devastated me. I know this is irrational, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. I will admit, part of this has to do with my unfulfilled desire to be a dancer, but more now is that they have my ideal body type.
But let's be honest, there is a lot to being a ballerina that would be appealing to someone with an eating disorder;
1. a rigorous work ethic
2. a strict diet
3. a strong sense of balance and self-control
4. perpetuating endless grace.
This sounds like being a ballerina is being ultimately feminine. What woman does not want to be eternally graceful? These women (and men) are strong and controlled and something to revere.
Most of my life I have had a dancer's physique, but as I have gotten more lax in my activity it has become more... curvaceous than I would like.
It is more that I, and many other eating disorder sufferers, would like more control. We need to balance between the food we eat and the amount of activity we put out, and we certainly shouldn't purge. But this is the same for anyone, there needs to be balance. Last night, after a shower and my work out, I watched a documentary called "Killer at Large: Why Obesity is America's Greatest Threat". Through the duration of the film I was overcome with disgust and shame and fear. Yes, fear. I was petrified of becoming even the slightest bit pudgy.
It is true that america has food available in mass and it tends to be more fattening than before. But what is the most interesting is that out society perfectly represents both ends of the spectrum; morbidly obese and extreme (intentional)malnutrition. But how exactly do we have such a dynamic? Recent statistics show that Europe, Japan, and America have the same number of fast food restaurants so it isn't their presence alone doing this. The truth is that america is one of the most gluttonous cultures in the world. Perhaps I should also define gluttony precisely: it is the act of eating in excess or withholding from yourself in excess. Pretty much just too much of anything is bad. This fostering of overindulgence has lead to a fat cultural identity. The world sees america as fat and when there are vulnerable individuals with CNC or other issues they will identify with this they see themselves as fat. I see these reports nearly everyday, you know the kind. They show huddled masses of obese americans with their faces cropped out of the picture. If that is american then is that me? This can lead to an identity crisis.
Don't even get me started on the whole body dismorphic disorder that this can result in. It seems america would rather focus on our obese, while this is an important issue, we can't forget the individuals on the other end. This situations just feeds them - no pun intended.
I recently read a report where an obese 12-year-old girl weighed in at nearly 230 lbs. and got liposuction. 12! Our society likes it's quick fix but that seems a little ridiculous. We need to change our way of eating, portion sizes, etc. Did you know that an average adult sized value meal at McDonalds is nearly 1180 calories? The suggested caloric intake for the day is 2000. Their children meals are just as bad, they have enough calories for an adult male.
The public reaction seems to be indifference. We are obese and we are starving. But this doesn't stop us from putting pressure on those already thin. Our models are the "face of america" and this obesity epidemic puts more pressure on them to stay thin and even get thinner. We have women and men striving to be as thin as they can and others who are overindulging for all sorts of reasons. We are killing ourselves with and without food. We are a food obsesses society.

I feel that there are some other issues our youth are facing, not only does american have a fat identity we also have all these other cultures battling it out. We are the melting pot and I have started developing a theory I call  "the melting pot effect". In my next eating disorder post I will try to summarize my ideas as best I can.

updates:
I bought a new book today entitled Hunger: A Mother and Daughter Fight Anorexia by Sheila and Lisa Himmel. The basic synopsis is about a mother who was a food journalist and a daughter who developed an eating disorder. The irony is not lost on me. I intend to use any information I gather there to help develop my thesis. I also bought an art history book about censorship and such called The Best Art You've Never Seen by Julian Spalding.  Also, I have added a new link to my friend Mikey's blog. He gets displeased and blogs about it, always a good read.

pokemon comic

Why do the pokemon lay eggs? Can someone answer me that? If the bird types do that it's fine...but pikachu? It's a mouse, a thunder mouse. And I can mate the small thunder mouse with a giant whale, successfully. I suppose I don't really need to be analyzing my video games this much.   

The Fall: One of the greatest movies ever made

The Fall.
I easily one of the greatest films and stories I have ever seen.I was at blockbuster with my father after getting back from the doctor's office, this was 2 years ago. We were walking down the aisles and the cover of this film caught my eye. To be honest, I tend to live by that sometimes. If the cover is intriguing I will pick it up. With books, on occasion, I will sometimes buy them without reading the synopsis. So far it has always worked out in my favor.
It was directed by Tarsem Singh and starred Lee Pace, Catinca Untaru, and Justine Waddell. It is based on the 1981 screenplay by Valeri Petrov. It was filmed in several different countries over a few years.
It takes place in the happening 1920s, Los Angeles is the setting. Roy (Lee Pace) plays a stuntman who has been injured and is lying in a hospital, waiting for news and also going over the loss of his love to another man. He is paralyzed from the waist down from a fall. Then, one day, a note blows through the window and lands on his bed. Alexandria (Catinca Untaru) wanders in to get it back. She has a broken elbow or shoulder that she got when she had a fall as well. He identifies with her through this.
Roy then asks her to touch his toes, but not to tell him which one. He guesses wrong, but she lie to make him feel better. He must know she is lieing though.
He then decides to tell her a story, stopping at clever moments in order to ask for favors. And the story he tells is beautiful. I can't even begin to explain all the lovely imagery. There are several characters like an ex-slave, masked bandit, explosives expert, and indian swordsman and Charles Darwin (the only one with a name) and smaller stories that create this incredibly impressive and moving world we can't help but awe at and become so entranced. I will simply post images to entice you, the story is far too involved and pretty much just a conglomeration of several stories within other stories. Summarizing it would confuse both you and me. The film is lush and audacious, it leaves nothing to be desired.

But what I find more interesting is the title paired with the dispositions of our two main characters here. She represents something innocent and ready to mold, he has experienced life a lot up to this point (don't even get me started on his romantic entanglements). Both are in this hospital after having suffered a terrible fall, him from a horse on a very high bridge, and her from a tree in an orchard. But within the film the fall that counts the most is the one that Alexandria takes later, after having been manipulated by Roy's character into procuring more pain killers for him. This fall results in a terrible head wound and further injury. This could mark her fall from grace, so to speak. While she may maintain her good nature internally, she is unaware of how not having a better sense of self or solid groundings in her values can result in her demise. Sure, we have all done questionable things for our close friends, but at what cost? There are the immediate physical wounds that will heal, but how do we deal with the later realizations that all of our hardships could have been prevented had we had the courage to say no despite what the "consequences" may have been, in her case the consequences would be not hearing the end of the story. Then of course there are our fresh views of our "friends" after that point.
While Roy wasn't evil in nature, he was temporarily acting in a very selfish manner. All he wanted was to permanently end his suffering and he was so blinded by this he failed to see he had turned Alexandria into a pawn. But, as always, he is redeemed. He holds her hand and fixes everything for her. He builds her back up, though only after shattering her ideas and beautiful views of the world.
For Roy this fall marks the chance for change and rebirth, much like the season to precede winter. This fall is followed by transcendence and a new sense of self for both Roy and Alexandria, though with her young age it only makes sense this will happen many times over before she reaches his age.
I could go on and one about all the messages and ideas floating around in this film, but there are too many and so little time. But it is worth several viewings, I am quite certain even I am missing a few things.

But here I am, analyzing a story that should really just be appreciated for what it is, a beautiful story. Why aren't you out renting this now or finding it on netflix? Do it now!

The Minotaur

In all of the myths I have read, all of them sad in their own right, none has quite bothered me more than that of the minotaur. I think what strikes me so is that the minotaur...well, he isn't a monster, by any means. It's true, like the common misconceptions about Frankenstein's monster, that the minotaur was misunderstood by the majority of the literary and artistic community. George Fredrick Watts got it right, however (right).
He was, in fact, a hybrid between a human and animal. This human was Pasiphae, wife of King Minos of Crete. The animal was a bull sent by Neptune. The exact details of their union are...as creepy and wrong as you would expect. She didn't have some fetish for these creatures, it was a "spell", for the lack of a better term. When Minos did not follow through with his promise of sacrificing a fine beast to Neptune he cursed Pasiphae in retaliation.
Pasiphae, now stricken with a lust for the bull Neptune sent, had Daedalus (father of Icarus, who's disobedience cost him his life) build her a wooden cow in which she could place herself. This little trick was successful as it mated with her and she soon became pregnant with an abomination of nature. She gave birth to a half-bull and half-human hybrid they named Minotaur, which means "Minos bull". They then shut him away in a labyrinth which was also constructed and designed by Daedalus.
Every year he was fed seven young men and young women as a tribute to the king. One year a prince named Theseus was selected and he killed the bull, with the help of Aridane, Minos's daughter.

What is so disheartening about this is his imprisonment and treatment. He was simply a hybrid, and as awful and monstrous as he seemed, he had to have more going on. In the painting done by Watts we get the sense of sadness and longing. He wants freedom and acceptance. This image and idea of a wanting and misunderstood creature has resonated with artists world over. His figure has been remastered and represented by artists well into the modern era, even Picasso took a swing at it. It has even been adapted into an opera by Harrison Britwistle and David Harsent, it opened in the fall of 2008 in London.
Maybe he did become evil in his own way, but perhaps his environment made him that way. Like Frankenstein's monster he was a product of his unusual entrance into the world and upbringing. There is an Etruscian view that offers us an alternative perspective, we see his mother balancing the infant minotaur on her knee, lovingly holding him in her arms. We make him the antagonist but we forget he had a mother and was part human himself. It isn't up to us to decided which part that was.
Maybe I'm too sensitive about it, but I think alternate views are important and I tend to have a bleeding heart for these misunderstood figures that dawn the pages of our art and history books.

Echo and Narcissus

There have been times in my life wherein I have been so beside myself with grief I could do nothing more but wander. When I was 18 or so I remember pacing the aisles at a bookstore. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just...staring. But in my aimless pacing a print caught my eye. In my utter heartbreak I stumbled upon Echo and Narcissus by John William Waterhouse. Perhaps because her pain seemed to mirror mine, I'm not sure. But I picked it up and bought a book about them that day. I took it home and didn't put the book down, for what seemed like, days. The image of Echo and her myth left me mesmerized, entranced, completely enthralled. I sketched her countless times. But her story, is was captured me so completely.
The story of Echo is a sad one, but not unlike the ones we would expect from greek mythology. If you are opening a mythology book expecting anything but despair you will be disappointed, though Penelope from the Odyssey will at least help you regain some hope.
Zeus, well, he is known for his philandering and...other personality attributes and in the story of Echo this certainly becomes a factor. While Zeus was off gallivanting, Echo would prattle on and on to distract Hera. Echo, who really seemed to love the sound of her voice, did this without a second thought. This will result in her demise. Hera finds out about this trickery, as she usually does, and decides to punish Echo by taking away her voice and only allowing her foolishly repeat the words of another. Hence our the name for the echoing phenomenon. Now this punishment, is surprisingly tame compared to some of the others Hera has doled out, and for much less.
So Echo is off, wandering voiceless when she sees Narcissus. Narcissus, as prophesied by Teiresias, was to live into old age as long as he "never knew himself." He was out hunting stags when she spotted him, and she decided to follow him. She was quite stealthy about it until he finally heard her. He called out but all she could do was repeat his words. When she tried to embrace him he turned her away. She continued to watch him, however. One day he saw his reflection in a pool and became so entranced by his form he couldn't look away. Echo just watched on as he wasted away staring at his own reflection. Echo, all the while, was heartbroken and wasted away herself, until only her voice remained. 
Heart wrenching in all sorts of ways. Here I was; in love with a boy so distant from me in so many ways, he's further away now than he ever was (as he should be I imagine) and I find this. It gave me some sort of...validation. The validation I never received  from him.
There is something cathartic about mythology for me, and I think the same could apply to many others.

berardi

That is Berardi. He has a link, ya know...check it.

I did this instead of some homework.

Fairy Tales: part 1

When I was little my favorite fairy tale or bedtime story was The Velveteen Rabbit, Beauty and the Beast was a close second. My sister's was Snow White. Everyone has some story from their childhood that they simply adored and couldn't get enough of. But isn't it interesting what our favorite stories mean about the adults we are today or the decisions we made growing up?
If I really think about myself; my insecurities and approach to relationships...the fairy tales I loved so dearly as a child molded the thought process behind my actions as an adult.I will begin with a brief description ad some quotes of The Velveteen Rabbit. The story is simple; a young boy receives a stuffed rabbit for christmas. But unlike most, this is told from the perspective of the rabbit. So the rabbit is given to the young boy, he doesn't know anything outside of the toy room. He knows not of real rabbits. He talks to the skin horse (rocking horse) about what it means to be 'real'.
       "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender,before nana came to tide the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
       "Real isn't how you're made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a really long time, not just plays with you, but REALLY loves you. That's when you become real."
       "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
       "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt."
       "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
       "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse, "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to the people who don't understand." 
Then, as time wears on, the boy plays with the rabbit. He plays with him everyday and everywhere. He loves him until he looses his shape, until his ears flop down and his nose ceases to be pink. This reminds me of the shapeless stuffed dog a friend of mine still has to this day. But the rabbit loves the boy and  the boy loves him. One day he is left outside and meets two real rabbits who mock him, they claim he is not real while he adamantly fights that he is.
Soon the boy becomes very ill, with scarlet fever. The boy clings to the rabbit through out his illness, that is until the doctor orders all his toys be destroyed for the might carry germs. So the nurse bagged all his toys and put them in a bag outside to be burned. This deeply saddened both the boy and the rabbit. In fact, this made the rabbit cry. And one single, REAL tear tickled down his cheek and onto the ground.Where the tear landed a flower grew. And form that flower came a fairy. She saw the stuffed rabbit and told him that since he was very loved and real to the boy then he should be loved to the rest of the world. So she made him a real rabbit. [Quite pinocchio-esq, ehh?]

Lovely, right? I had always thought so and I can certainly see how I enjoyed it immensely as a child. It still strikes a chord today. It becomes very obvious to me where me ideas for meaningful relationships emerge, and my issues with emotions and love. I would much rather dive into a relationship and risk utter heart break than to be left wondering. This has created a few issues on my part....recklessness with the heart, and not just mine. Then there's my non-romantic pairings. My friends like Christine or Joshua Berardi. Even now I often wonder how they truly feel towards me, but then again the eating disorder and CNC comes to mind when I consider these insecurities. But could this also explain why I identify with these stories? Do I need validation in order to believe in myself? Could this also explain the distance I have to my family? My analysis seems to pose more questions than answers, per usual.
I suppose the more adult Beauty and the Beast may yield better results on this front.   
This only explains me, however. Perhaps Andrea's love of Snow White explains her issues with authority and following instructions. She does tend to act as Snow White did within the tale, minus running away to live with little people who were also coal miners.

Sheldon Cashdan wrote a book entitled The Witch Must Die all about the hidden meanings of fairy tales, in high school it quickly became a book that was read so frequently it has now fallen apart. I need to buy a new copy, but this book helped shape my views on psychology and our childhood development. I have to wonder where eating disorders come into play within these tales writing paths towards the adult versions of ourselves.
More research is on the way.

musings of the afternoon: armies of tortoises

Today Joshua and I went grocery shopping. We have determined the best time to go is anywhere from 2:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon. It is only then you can be certain it will be the least bustling. The mall smelled wonderful though, the roasted almond smell is the only part of christmas shopping I enjoy.
Weird thing though, there seemed to be some sort of preschool on a field trip at the mall. There were dozens of them all over the food court area. Armies of them crowding the Panda Express. It reminded me of a conversation I had with my sister once. Andrea theorized that an army of anything is scary; anything. I thought about it for awhile, longer than I should have to be honest. I don't think an army of Galapagos tortoises would be threatening. They just slowly amble forward...

 Beware our slowly impending doom. DOOM!

I am far too easily distracted. I challenge Andrea's theory.

knitting

Sometime last year my friends Amanda and Emily taught me how to knit. This was...frustrating in the beginning. I sort of cheated and ended up going to youtube knitting channels to watch videos of others knitting to figure it out better. I could have never been amish; I have a potty mouth and a tendency to give up when I get overly frustrated. In fact, I got so annoyed with trying to learn to purl stitch I threw the piece I was working on at my kitten and didn't pick up knitting again for nearly 4 months.
In fact, I drew a comic of said event.
See the frustration on my face?
So far I have knitted 3 successful scarves. I am working on a blanket now. But honestly, I should really be doing homework instead.

So..back to that. Back to drawing naked men. Ugh.

christine

I intended for this to be the 4th post about my eating disorders study and disclosure, but I have determined my own  theory needs more development. So it will have to wait...though I doubt anyone will be upset by this delay. 
So, instead of psychology you get:

This is Christine. She is the bee's knees. She is the only reason to keep me from wanting to move to Portland, OR. Too far away.
Yes, this is just a post about my friend Christine. She likes avocados, Caitlin's cat doesn't like her much for some reason, she also likes pomegranates and cheez its. 
She also constantly craves chewy chocolate chip cookies. We became friends nearly 2 years ago when her and Trey broke up. This ended up being fairly beneficial for me in the friend's department. Now I have 3 close female companions (she's the best though). This is a big deal.
I knitted her a scarf for part of her christmas present, but now I am displeased with it now that I have finally mastered the purl stitch. I will make her better things. It is my goal that over the course of our entire friendship I fill an entire closet in her future house of knitted things. You know, the kind that is so full that she has to be careful opening the door as to avoid an avalanche of knits that will leave her buried in the hallway - I can see it now; her little hands sticking out from under a monstrous pile of yarn and thread reaching hopelessly for freedom. She will end up with many many scarves and blankets, those are the only things I can do really well so far.
In my head I imagine she speaks spanish to random objects about her house, I don't know why. I think I dreamt it once.

disorders-shmismorders: part 3

Peggy Claude-Pierre cites CNC as the sole cause for eating disorders, but on this one point I have to disagree. Sometimes it's hard to maintain a healthy body weight and be happy with your body with certain images floating around in the media. The diet and fashion industries can have huge influences on many individuals. And with the recent rise in the awareness of eating disorders it has had both positive and negative effects. The high profile of eating disorders in both academic and popular press suggest a cultural fascination with eating disorders. This tells us that not only does it have an impact on the individual level but is also of a wider cultural relevance. It is beginning to be recognized as a 'culture-bound; syndrome.
When it comes to women and gender, a lot of the issues can stem from how we view femininity. Eating disorders can be viewed as a manifestation of socio-cultural concerns of the late 20th century concerns about femininity and feminism, about the body, and about control. But an eating disorder can result in the loss of femininity in some women.
Obviously the most basic indicators of the female form are a curvaceous torso, breasts, and just overall a shapely figure. When eating disorders become so serious that the individual's weight spirals into the lower double digits she ceases to maintain her feminine figure. So is the strive to be feminine a legitimate reason? Maybe, another indicator of femininity is delicateness and lightness. The smaller you get the more delicate and graceful you appear. That was certainly a draw for me.

Women will get smaller and smaller, comparing themselves to the women on the television, movies, magazines, etc. You can tell me or anyone else over and over again how small we are, how nice our bodies are...but you have to realize in the mind of an anorexic or any other type there is no objectivity; just subjectivity. They tend to lack an identity and view the world as if it is some sort of twisted fantasy.
And don't even get me started on the paranoia that you are trying to make us fat. I remember being convinced my boyfriend was trying to get me to gain weight because...no logical reason.
But back to the focus on eating disorders in the media. Back in 2006 a fashion model named Ana Carolina Reston died due to complications from anorexia nervosa. She had a diet consisiting only of apples and tomatoes and had a BMI of only 13.4, below the index value of 16. Which is, according the the World Health Organization, is considered to be starvation. She died at age 22. She is pictured above and to the right.
Another model died earlier that same year. Her name was Luisel Ramos, she was also 22. She died of heart failure caused by anorexia nervosa. The three months before her death she ate only lettuce and diet coke, according to her father. And at the time of her death she had a BMI of only 14.5, weighing 97lbs. And just a year later her younger sister succumbed to the same fate; suffering from a heart attack caused by malnutrition.
In the news we read all about this, but we still seem to lack proper awareness. I don't ever remember ever going over eating disorders in any of my health or biology classes. And it was hardly touched on in my high school psych classes. If anything we should be educating ever younger girls about the dangers of this and getting them to be more in tune and happy with their bodies. Teach them how to be healthy. Just recently I watch a documentary about a girl who was only 8 years old, and she had anorexia so severely she had to be placed in a treatment facility.
So is this just CNC? I think it seems to be a combination of both CNC and outside forces. But is there still more going on? Are there still other factors? In the next post on this topic I will address a theory of my own I have been toying with.


sources:
The Thin Woman by Helen Malson
The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre

disorders-shmismorders: part 2

As said in the first post there are many theories as to why an individual may develop an eating disorder. The one I tend to adhere to the most is a theory developed and coined by Peggy Claude-Pierre. This is CNC - Confirmed Negativity Condition. She says that this disorder is the underlying cause, it is a complex thought process that plagues the mind. In fact, the eating disorder is to CNC what a rash is to the measles. It's a symptom, but not meant to minimize the severity of an eating disorder.
I suppose the best way to explain CNC is like a civil war within the mind. The predisposition for CNC begins early in life, though just because one might have CNC does not mean one will develop and eating disorder. Keep that in mind. Other manifestations from CNC can include depression, agoraphobia, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or somatic disorders. An individual can have any or more of these manifestations without actually having an eating disorder. But some can often coexist with an eating disorder. An example of that might include being very agoraphobic and being anorexic. Also, when healing from an eating disorder one might replace said disorder with another manifestation.
CNC tends to precede the disorder and is the root of it. It is like a parasite that attempts to consume all rational thought. She calls us and our rationality the Actual Mind. Milton said it best in Paradise Lost:
       "The mind is it's own place, and in itself,
        Can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven."
But there is much more to understanding CNC. In order to getting into the mind of someone with CNC you must realize that certain types of people are far more susceptible to to the "negative mind" than others. The people that are most at risk are the ones who are essentially altruistic and does not want to be a burden on her family or society by reaching out for aid. Moreover, victims of CNC tend to assume they are not wanted, they feel unworthy and feel like they are being excluded from things because they are any negative adjective they can think of.  
I have tried to explain CNC before and it never comes out sounding right. Some don't quite understand. It's as if there is a voice in your head always telling you that you are fat, worthless, pathetic, etc. And the voice is relentless; beating down on you almost every minute. Even now whenever I eat I need to be watching or doing something in order to distract myself and the negative thoughts from what I am doing. But the sad thing is that I shouldn't need to distract myself. And this is how a lot of eating disorder sufferers go through.
A big part of what some people with eating disorders do is collect "thinspiration". This is basically a book or folder full of photographs, quotes, or "dieting" tips, as well as other little tricks to prevent weight gain and encourage weight loss. Here are some examples from my former thinspiration notebook:
       1. Eat on a blue or black plate since darker colors make you feel full faster.
       2. Always wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you feel hungry.
       3. Chew sugar free gum whenever you feel hungry, but don't eat too many as they are about 5 calories per piece.
       4. When craving something make a list of why you shouldn't eat it and read it over 20 times or so. The craving will pass in about 20 minutes.
       5. Make a meal plan to limit your food intake.
       6. Look at supermodels and other thin people to remind yourself what you want to look like.
       7. Move as much as possible! Exercise whenever you can.
       8. Pinch your fat. Always remember there is something to lose.
These are just some of the many crazy things I wrote down to keep my weight down. Anna Faris was a body type I emulated a great deal. I'm watching a movie starring her right now and it's hard not to compare myself and feel down. At the height of my disorder in high school, my senior year to be exact, there was one book that helped me identify. It is you remind me of you by Eireann Corrigan. It is a poetry memoir about a girl who has an eating disorder and all the other issues of her life that impacted her. There is a particularly powerful scene, it reminded me of my father and something he might do had he known;
     After I fell asleep doing sit-ups on the family room,
     floor, he carried me upstairs to my bed and he must have been
    cursing you the whole heavy trip. And later 
    when they caught me hiding food, when my mom
    would stand behind me on the scale and cry at the numbers --
    Those mornings, when I would bundle up at five to run
    he'd creep behind me in the station wagon in case I fell
    and didn't get back up. Sometimes I'd make it 
    home just to faint in the shower and my dad had to 
    listen for that tumble and rush in to swing the faucet
    from hot to cold.
This is just one of the many excerpts from the very moving book. I suggest anyone with eating disorder issues read this.        

But CNC is just part of the problem for people with eating disorders. There are still other factors to discuss. to be continued....



sources:
The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre
The Thin Woman by Helen Mason
The Eating Disorder Sourcebook by Carolyn Costin, M.A., M.Ed., M.F.T.
you remind me of you by Eireann Corrigan

disorders-shmismorders: part 1

Every so often, despite my best efforts and rationality, I hit a brick wall (figuratively). Eating disorders...it is an ugly pair of words...is something many, including myself, have had to confront. Hence the focus within my major. There are so many misconceptions about eating disorders floating around you have to wonder how some of us actually get better with certain labels cast on us. So I have resolved to blog about eating disorders using all my books and own experiences to give at least a semi-thorough description of this dreadful chapter in the history of psychology and man.
To begin with I will define anorexia as it is explained in the DSM-IV. This is the most basic diagnostic criteria for 307.1 Symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa:
A. Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height (e.g., weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected, or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected).
B. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.
C. Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight of shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
D. In postmenarcheal females, amenorrhea [the absence of at least 3 consecutive menstrual cycles] will occur.
        -Restricting Type: during the current episode of anorexia nervosa, the person has NOT regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging  behavior (i.e., self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas).
       -Binge-Eating/Purging Type: during the current episode of anorexia nervosa, the person has regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging behavior.
Other symptoms include: hypothermia, bradycardia, hypotension, edema, lanugo, and a variety of other metabolic changes.
I have experienced most of this, minus the enemas and laxatives. It's a scary time for most. We feel like we have control over what we are doing; our eating, not eating, purging, working out to burn off every calorie we consumed. But the truth is this behavior shows a complete lack of control over what is happening to us. It is as if we are answering to a separate entity other than our selves.
One of the first case studies about the disorder was recorded in the early 1900s, it is one of the most descriptive details we have from the patient's perspective. The patient's name was Ellen West. she committed suicide at age 33 because she could no longer handle her disorder and the struggle she had manifested itself with an obsession with food. She wrote this in her diary:
       "Everything agitates me, and I experience every agitation as a sensation of hunger, even if I have just eaten.
       I am afraid of myself, I am afraid of the feelings to which I am defenselessly delivered over every minute. I am in prison and I cannot get out. It does no good for the analyst to tell me that I myself have placed the armed men there, that they are theatrical figments and not real. To me they are very real."
This is powerful. I mean, I can recall a very specific instance where I was crying on my kitchen floor. Something overcame me and I could stop crying. I felt pathetic and weak. I felt useless and wasteful. I had lost all control. If I were to read an excerpt from my journal it may say some of the same things as Ellen West. In fact, during my senior year of high school there is a passage that is three pages of nothing but "You are a worthless, fat big. No one wants to be around you" over and over again.
I was so ashamed. I didn't want to tell anyone. It wasn't until recently that I told my husband, my sister Andrea, and my friend Christine. I told them how severe it once was and how I still suffer with it. Even as I sit here now I feel guilty about what I ate today. It doesn't matter how irrational I know it is, rationality doesn't exist in the world of someone with an eating disorder.

Then there's bulimia nervosa. While it is very similar to anorexia some of the behaviors vary as well as some of the basic mentalities or reasons for their behavior.
307.5 Symptoms of Bulimia Nervosa:
A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following-
1) eating, in a discreet period of time, an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar period period of time under similar circumstances.
2) a sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).
B. Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behavior in order to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting; misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting; or excessive exercise.
C. The binge eating and other inappropriate compensatory behaviors both occur, on the average, at least twice a week for 3 months.
D. Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.
E. The disturbance does not occur exclusively during episodes of Anorexia Nervosa.
       -Purging type: during the current episode of bulimia nervosa, the person has regularly engaged in self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas.
       -Non-purging Type: During the current episode of bulimia nervosa, the person has used other inappropriate compensatory  behaviors, such as fasting or excessive excercise, but has not regularly engaged in self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas.
Other than bulimia and anorexia, there is also an activity disorder which is characterized by excessive activity to burn calories and not stay still.
I used to use my toothbrush to trigger my gag reflex to purge after eating. I have done a good job of not doing that, but I remember a friend of mine and I in high school getting our hands on some ipecac.

But the question is, how did this happen? How did we get this way? There are various theories as to how these disorders can develop within a person. And that will be addressed in the next post...that will be equally long. 



sources:
The Eating Disorder Sourecebook by Carolyn Costin, M.S., M.Ed., M.F.T
The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre
The Thin Woman by Helen Malson
you remind me of you by Eireann Corrigan
and myself

Medea

Medea was a figure of myth long before Tyler Perry stole the name for a series of extremely low brow comedies. In fact, I found myself quite annoyed when I went to google to find images for a mythology paper. The first few pages were nothing by images form Tyler Perry movies. Aggravating...
But I digress.

Medea was a play written by Euripides. The story is ever so interesting. In my mythology class I was assigned the play and had to give a presentation.I'm not the best public speaker, but I was fairly effective. Anyway, Medea is most commonly referred to as she exists within that specific play by her name, but she does appear in several other stories. Her major characteristics are that she was a sorceress and lover of Jason (the guy with the golden fleece).
She was the daughter of King Aeetes, granddaughter of Helios (the sun god), and niece of Circe (who was depicted in Odyssey for turning Odysseus's crew into pigs, she is also the mother of the minotaur). As you see she has a colorful lineage.
So Jason appears on her island to capture the golden fleece. Medea falls hopelessly in love with him and agrees to help him on his quests.
Medea creates a potion for Jason that prevents him from being injured by the fire-breathing bulls and then casts an enchantment over the dragon guarding the golden fleece so Jason can get by undetected. Basically...he cheated. When he completes the missions he agrees to take Medea away with him and marry her. As they are leaving the island Medea kills her brother, Apsyrtus, and scatters his body in pieces behind them. This slowed their pursuers down as it is dishonorable to leave the body in such a state.
Once in Jason's home of Iolcus Medea used her trickery to help him reclaim his throne from his uncle Pelias. Using magic tricks she convinced Pelias's daughters to kill him which opened up the place for Jason. Then they fled to Corinth. Shortly after this they were wed and had two children. This is where the story gets more interesting.
So they have been married for awhile, living comfortable in Corinth until Glauce, daughter of King Creon, catches Jason's eye. Jason then runs off with her in order to become next in ling to the throne in Corinth. Then he and the king have Medea cast out. With this betrayal Medea snaps. She devises a plan that results in the death of Glauce and the King, then she kills her own children to punish Jason further. Before she can be punished for her own actions she is rescued by her grandfather and ushered off the Athens where she marries King Aegeus, who we suspect she had been in cahoots with all along. Then they marry and her trail of despair and death continues.   
But I intend to focus more on the play by Euripides.While there is certainly no argument claiming Medea was a good woman who was wrong, you have to take into consideration what Jason did. He first used her in order to complete some tasks and promised her marriage later, getting her to kill her own brother. Then he does marry her and has children with her only to leave her and cast her out later? If there was a douche by any other name...pardon my comparison.
But if we take the fact that she was essentially an evil wizard out of the equation do you feel even the slightest bit of compassion? I certainly did, but once she murdered her children it faded away. And by faded I mean disappeared with the snap of my fingers (assuming I could snap my fingers). Then there's Glauce...pursuing a married man? For shame. This is something I would expect to see on trashy daytime television, though I suppose this behavior had to begin somewhere. But it seems Medea is simply a woman scorned.
Wouldn't you agree? I'm not defending the things she did, but I am saying that I can see where the desire might occur. If Joshua left me for another woman I would be destroyed and livid.
But this is one of the many endlessly entertaining myths I fill my time with studying. Sometimes it helps to identify to them. Echo served as a therapeutic comparison for a short time for myself.

I honestly need to start working on my homework instead of blogging about things I doubt very few people read.

Life updates:
I have resolved to get a tattoo. It will be a chambered nautilus shell, the proportions and measurements found using the golden ratio. Perfect balance. Done in dark brown ink on the inside of my left wrist. I will be going with my darling Christine when she gets her tattoo done. She is getting giraffe spots on the inside of her left wrist as well. Though more to cover up the tattoo she allowed her ex-boyfriend to give her. It is a simple peace sign (I love here but that is horrible cliche...) but something she wishes to forget all the same.


images:
Study for Jason and Medea by John William Waterhouse (top)
Medea by Eugene Delacroix