disorders-shmismorders: part 4

I am sick of wanting

It's evil and it's daunting

How I let everything I cherish lay to waste

I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me

I point fingers but there's no one there to blame

I need for something

No, let me break it down again  

I need for something

But not more medicine

I am sick with wanting

I's evil how it's got me

And everyday is worse than the one before

The more I have, the more I think

I'm almost where I need to be

If only I could get a little more

Something has me (something has me)

Oh, something has me

Acting like someone I don't wanna be

Something has me (something has me)

These are some lyrics from a song called "Ill with Want" by The Avett Brothers - I feel endorse them. Good music, good lyrics, great singer. But that is beside the point. This song is one of the few that summarizes how I would feel during episodes of my own eating disorder. Jut last night I worked out for a great deal of time using ballet in order to lengthen and slim down my body. I have becoming obsessed again; desiring being ethereal and waif-like, thin and elegant.

I go through periods of not being concerned with my eating or activity to lengthly periods wherein I am incessantly concerned. The winter is the worst as I tend to desire more carbs and get more lethargic and want to bundle up. I am less apt to drive out to the gym to run for an hour. Then I feel guilty. I am slowly developing more of an activity disorder; moving as much as possible and doing ballet at home for many hours.
But there is more to this than me just worrying, there are some triggers. I will be entirely honest that the film Black Swan and some paintings of adult ballerinas nearly devastated me. I know this is irrational, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. I will admit, part of this has to do with my unfulfilled desire to be a dancer, but more now is that they have my ideal body type.
But let's be honest, there is a lot to being a ballerina that would be appealing to someone with an eating disorder;
1. a rigorous work ethic
2. a strict diet
3. a strong sense of balance and self-control
4. perpetuating endless grace.
This sounds like being a ballerina is being ultimately feminine. What woman does not want to be eternally graceful? These women (and men) are strong and controlled and something to revere.
Most of my life I have had a dancer's physique, but as I have gotten more lax in my activity it has become more... curvaceous than I would like.
It is more that I, and many other eating disorder sufferers, would like more control. We need to balance between the food we eat and the amount of activity we put out, and we certainly shouldn't purge. But this is the same for anyone, there needs to be balance. Last night, after a shower and my work out, I watched a documentary called "Killer at Large: Why Obesity is America's Greatest Threat". Through the duration of the film I was overcome with disgust and shame and fear. Yes, fear. I was petrified of becoming even the slightest bit pudgy.
It is true that america has food available in mass and it tends to be more fattening than before. But what is the most interesting is that out society perfectly represents both ends of the spectrum; morbidly obese and extreme (intentional)malnutrition. But how exactly do we have such a dynamic? Recent statistics show that Europe, Japan, and America have the same number of fast food restaurants so it isn't their presence alone doing this. The truth is that america is one of the most gluttonous cultures in the world. Perhaps I should also define gluttony precisely: it is the act of eating in excess or withholding from yourself in excess. Pretty much just too much of anything is bad. This fostering of overindulgence has lead to a fat cultural identity. The world sees america as fat and when there are vulnerable individuals with CNC or other issues they will identify with this they see themselves as fat. I see these reports nearly everyday, you know the kind. They show huddled masses of obese americans with their faces cropped out of the picture. If that is american then is that me? This can lead to an identity crisis.
Don't even get me started on the whole body dismorphic disorder that this can result in. It seems america would rather focus on our obese, while this is an important issue, we can't forget the individuals on the other end. This situations just feeds them - no pun intended.
I recently read a report where an obese 12-year-old girl weighed in at nearly 230 lbs. and got liposuction. 12! Our society likes it's quick fix but that seems a little ridiculous. We need to change our way of eating, portion sizes, etc. Did you know that an average adult sized value meal at McDonalds is nearly 1180 calories? The suggested caloric intake for the day is 2000. Their children meals are just as bad, they have enough calories for an adult male.
The public reaction seems to be indifference. We are obese and we are starving. But this doesn't stop us from putting pressure on those already thin. Our models are the "face of america" and this obesity epidemic puts more pressure on them to stay thin and even get thinner. We have women and men striving to be as thin as they can and others who are overindulging for all sorts of reasons. We are killing ourselves with and without food. We are a food obsesses society.

I feel that there are some other issues our youth are facing, not only does american have a fat identity we also have all these other cultures battling it out. We are the melting pot and I have started developing a theory I call  "the melting pot effect". In my next eating disorder post I will try to summarize my ideas as best I can.

updates:
I bought a new book today entitled Hunger: A Mother and Daughter Fight Anorexia by Sheila and Lisa Himmel. The basic synopsis is about a mother who was a food journalist and a daughter who developed an eating disorder. The irony is not lost on me. I intend to use any information I gather there to help develop my thesis. I also bought an art history book about censorship and such called The Best Art You've Never Seen by Julian Spalding.  Also, I have added a new link to my friend Mikey's blog. He gets displeased and blogs about it, always a good read.

Fairy Tales: part 1

When I was little my favorite fairy tale or bedtime story was The Velveteen Rabbit, Beauty and the Beast was a close second. My sister's was Snow White. Everyone has some story from their childhood that they simply adored and couldn't get enough of. But isn't it interesting what our favorite stories mean about the adults we are today or the decisions we made growing up?
If I really think about myself; my insecurities and approach to relationships...the fairy tales I loved so dearly as a child molded the thought process behind my actions as an adult.I will begin with a brief description ad some quotes of The Velveteen Rabbit. The story is simple; a young boy receives a stuffed rabbit for christmas. But unlike most, this is told from the perspective of the rabbit. So the rabbit is given to the young boy, he doesn't know anything outside of the toy room. He knows not of real rabbits. He talks to the skin horse (rocking horse) about what it means to be 'real'.
       "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender,before nana came to tide the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
       "Real isn't how you're made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a really long time, not just plays with you, but REALLY loves you. That's when you become real."
       "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
       "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt."
       "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
       "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse, "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to the people who don't understand." 
Then, as time wears on, the boy plays with the rabbit. He plays with him everyday and everywhere. He loves him until he looses his shape, until his ears flop down and his nose ceases to be pink. This reminds me of the shapeless stuffed dog a friend of mine still has to this day. But the rabbit loves the boy and  the boy loves him. One day he is left outside and meets two real rabbits who mock him, they claim he is not real while he adamantly fights that he is.
Soon the boy becomes very ill, with scarlet fever. The boy clings to the rabbit through out his illness, that is until the doctor orders all his toys be destroyed for the might carry germs. So the nurse bagged all his toys and put them in a bag outside to be burned. This deeply saddened both the boy and the rabbit. In fact, this made the rabbit cry. And one single, REAL tear tickled down his cheek and onto the ground.Where the tear landed a flower grew. And form that flower came a fairy. She saw the stuffed rabbit and told him that since he was very loved and real to the boy then he should be loved to the rest of the world. So she made him a real rabbit. [Quite pinocchio-esq, ehh?]

Lovely, right? I had always thought so and I can certainly see how I enjoyed it immensely as a child. It still strikes a chord today. It becomes very obvious to me where me ideas for meaningful relationships emerge, and my issues with emotions and love. I would much rather dive into a relationship and risk utter heart break than to be left wondering. This has created a few issues on my part....recklessness with the heart, and not just mine. Then there's my non-romantic pairings. My friends like Christine or Joshua Berardi. Even now I often wonder how they truly feel towards me, but then again the eating disorder and CNC comes to mind when I consider these insecurities. But could this also explain why I identify with these stories? Do I need validation in order to believe in myself? Could this also explain the distance I have to my family? My analysis seems to pose more questions than answers, per usual.
I suppose the more adult Beauty and the Beast may yield better results on this front.   
This only explains me, however. Perhaps Andrea's love of Snow White explains her issues with authority and following instructions. She does tend to act as Snow White did within the tale, minus running away to live with little people who were also coal miners.

Sheldon Cashdan wrote a book entitled The Witch Must Die all about the hidden meanings of fairy tales, in high school it quickly became a book that was read so frequently it has now fallen apart. I need to buy a new copy, but this book helped shape my views on psychology and our childhood development. I have to wonder where eating disorders come into play within these tales writing paths towards the adult versions of ourselves.
More research is on the way.

disorders-shmismorders: part 3

Peggy Claude-Pierre cites CNC as the sole cause for eating disorders, but on this one point I have to disagree. Sometimes it's hard to maintain a healthy body weight and be happy with your body with certain images floating around in the media. The diet and fashion industries can have huge influences on many individuals. And with the recent rise in the awareness of eating disorders it has had both positive and negative effects. The high profile of eating disorders in both academic and popular press suggest a cultural fascination with eating disorders. This tells us that not only does it have an impact on the individual level but is also of a wider cultural relevance. It is beginning to be recognized as a 'culture-bound; syndrome.
When it comes to women and gender, a lot of the issues can stem from how we view femininity. Eating disorders can be viewed as a manifestation of socio-cultural concerns of the late 20th century concerns about femininity and feminism, about the body, and about control. But an eating disorder can result in the loss of femininity in some women.
Obviously the most basic indicators of the female form are a curvaceous torso, breasts, and just overall a shapely figure. When eating disorders become so serious that the individual's weight spirals into the lower double digits she ceases to maintain her feminine figure. So is the strive to be feminine a legitimate reason? Maybe, another indicator of femininity is delicateness and lightness. The smaller you get the more delicate and graceful you appear. That was certainly a draw for me.

Women will get smaller and smaller, comparing themselves to the women on the television, movies, magazines, etc. You can tell me or anyone else over and over again how small we are, how nice our bodies are...but you have to realize in the mind of an anorexic or any other type there is no objectivity; just subjectivity. They tend to lack an identity and view the world as if it is some sort of twisted fantasy.
And don't even get me started on the paranoia that you are trying to make us fat. I remember being convinced my boyfriend was trying to get me to gain weight because...no logical reason.
But back to the focus on eating disorders in the media. Back in 2006 a fashion model named Ana Carolina Reston died due to complications from anorexia nervosa. She had a diet consisiting only of apples and tomatoes and had a BMI of only 13.4, below the index value of 16. Which is, according the the World Health Organization, is considered to be starvation. She died at age 22. She is pictured above and to the right.
Another model died earlier that same year. Her name was Luisel Ramos, she was also 22. She died of heart failure caused by anorexia nervosa. The three months before her death she ate only lettuce and diet coke, according to her father. And at the time of her death she had a BMI of only 14.5, weighing 97lbs. And just a year later her younger sister succumbed to the same fate; suffering from a heart attack caused by malnutrition.
In the news we read all about this, but we still seem to lack proper awareness. I don't ever remember ever going over eating disorders in any of my health or biology classes. And it was hardly touched on in my high school psych classes. If anything we should be educating ever younger girls about the dangers of this and getting them to be more in tune and happy with their bodies. Teach them how to be healthy. Just recently I watch a documentary about a girl who was only 8 years old, and she had anorexia so severely she had to be placed in a treatment facility.
So is this just CNC? I think it seems to be a combination of both CNC and outside forces. But is there still more going on? Are there still other factors? In the next post on this topic I will address a theory of my own I have been toying with.


sources:
The Thin Woman by Helen Malson
The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre

disorders-shmismorders: part 2

As said in the first post there are many theories as to why an individual may develop an eating disorder. The one I tend to adhere to the most is a theory developed and coined by Peggy Claude-Pierre. This is CNC - Confirmed Negativity Condition. She says that this disorder is the underlying cause, it is a complex thought process that plagues the mind. In fact, the eating disorder is to CNC what a rash is to the measles. It's a symptom, but not meant to minimize the severity of an eating disorder.
I suppose the best way to explain CNC is like a civil war within the mind. The predisposition for CNC begins early in life, though just because one might have CNC does not mean one will develop and eating disorder. Keep that in mind. Other manifestations from CNC can include depression, agoraphobia, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or somatic disorders. An individual can have any or more of these manifestations without actually having an eating disorder. But some can often coexist with an eating disorder. An example of that might include being very agoraphobic and being anorexic. Also, when healing from an eating disorder one might replace said disorder with another manifestation.
CNC tends to precede the disorder and is the root of it. It is like a parasite that attempts to consume all rational thought. She calls us and our rationality the Actual Mind. Milton said it best in Paradise Lost:
       "The mind is it's own place, and in itself,
        Can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven."
But there is much more to understanding CNC. In order to getting into the mind of someone with CNC you must realize that certain types of people are far more susceptible to to the "negative mind" than others. The people that are most at risk are the ones who are essentially altruistic and does not want to be a burden on her family or society by reaching out for aid. Moreover, victims of CNC tend to assume they are not wanted, they feel unworthy and feel like they are being excluded from things because they are any negative adjective they can think of.  
I have tried to explain CNC before and it never comes out sounding right. Some don't quite understand. It's as if there is a voice in your head always telling you that you are fat, worthless, pathetic, etc. And the voice is relentless; beating down on you almost every minute. Even now whenever I eat I need to be watching or doing something in order to distract myself and the negative thoughts from what I am doing. But the sad thing is that I shouldn't need to distract myself. And this is how a lot of eating disorder sufferers go through.
A big part of what some people with eating disorders do is collect "thinspiration". This is basically a book or folder full of photographs, quotes, or "dieting" tips, as well as other little tricks to prevent weight gain and encourage weight loss. Here are some examples from my former thinspiration notebook:
       1. Eat on a blue or black plate since darker colors make you feel full faster.
       2. Always wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you feel hungry.
       3. Chew sugar free gum whenever you feel hungry, but don't eat too many as they are about 5 calories per piece.
       4. When craving something make a list of why you shouldn't eat it and read it over 20 times or so. The craving will pass in about 20 minutes.
       5. Make a meal plan to limit your food intake.
       6. Look at supermodels and other thin people to remind yourself what you want to look like.
       7. Move as much as possible! Exercise whenever you can.
       8. Pinch your fat. Always remember there is something to lose.
These are just some of the many crazy things I wrote down to keep my weight down. Anna Faris was a body type I emulated a great deal. I'm watching a movie starring her right now and it's hard not to compare myself and feel down. At the height of my disorder in high school, my senior year to be exact, there was one book that helped me identify. It is you remind me of you by Eireann Corrigan. It is a poetry memoir about a girl who has an eating disorder and all the other issues of her life that impacted her. There is a particularly powerful scene, it reminded me of my father and something he might do had he known;
     After I fell asleep doing sit-ups on the family room,
     floor, he carried me upstairs to my bed and he must have been
    cursing you the whole heavy trip. And later 
    when they caught me hiding food, when my mom
    would stand behind me on the scale and cry at the numbers --
    Those mornings, when I would bundle up at five to run
    he'd creep behind me in the station wagon in case I fell
    and didn't get back up. Sometimes I'd make it 
    home just to faint in the shower and my dad had to 
    listen for that tumble and rush in to swing the faucet
    from hot to cold.
This is just one of the many excerpts from the very moving book. I suggest anyone with eating disorder issues read this.        

But CNC is just part of the problem for people with eating disorders. There are still other factors to discuss. to be continued....



sources:
The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre
The Thin Woman by Helen Mason
The Eating Disorder Sourcebook by Carolyn Costin, M.A., M.Ed., M.F.T.
you remind me of you by Eireann Corrigan

disorders-shmismorders: part 1

Every so often, despite my best efforts and rationality, I hit a brick wall (figuratively). Eating disorders...it is an ugly pair of words...is something many, including myself, have had to confront. Hence the focus within my major. There are so many misconceptions about eating disorders floating around you have to wonder how some of us actually get better with certain labels cast on us. So I have resolved to blog about eating disorders using all my books and own experiences to give at least a semi-thorough description of this dreadful chapter in the history of psychology and man.
To begin with I will define anorexia as it is explained in the DSM-IV. This is the most basic diagnostic criteria for 307.1 Symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa:
A. Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height (e.g., weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected, or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected).
B. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.
C. Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight of shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
D. In postmenarcheal females, amenorrhea [the absence of at least 3 consecutive menstrual cycles] will occur.
        -Restricting Type: during the current episode of anorexia nervosa, the person has NOT regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging  behavior (i.e., self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas).
       -Binge-Eating/Purging Type: during the current episode of anorexia nervosa, the person has regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging behavior.
Other symptoms include: hypothermia, bradycardia, hypotension, edema, lanugo, and a variety of other metabolic changes.
I have experienced most of this, minus the enemas and laxatives. It's a scary time for most. We feel like we have control over what we are doing; our eating, not eating, purging, working out to burn off every calorie we consumed. But the truth is this behavior shows a complete lack of control over what is happening to us. It is as if we are answering to a separate entity other than our selves.
One of the first case studies about the disorder was recorded in the early 1900s, it is one of the most descriptive details we have from the patient's perspective. The patient's name was Ellen West. she committed suicide at age 33 because she could no longer handle her disorder and the struggle she had manifested itself with an obsession with food. She wrote this in her diary:
       "Everything agitates me, and I experience every agitation as a sensation of hunger, even if I have just eaten.
       I am afraid of myself, I am afraid of the feelings to which I am defenselessly delivered over every minute. I am in prison and I cannot get out. It does no good for the analyst to tell me that I myself have placed the armed men there, that they are theatrical figments and not real. To me they are very real."
This is powerful. I mean, I can recall a very specific instance where I was crying on my kitchen floor. Something overcame me and I could stop crying. I felt pathetic and weak. I felt useless and wasteful. I had lost all control. If I were to read an excerpt from my journal it may say some of the same things as Ellen West. In fact, during my senior year of high school there is a passage that is three pages of nothing but "You are a worthless, fat big. No one wants to be around you" over and over again.
I was so ashamed. I didn't want to tell anyone. It wasn't until recently that I told my husband, my sister Andrea, and my friend Christine. I told them how severe it once was and how I still suffer with it. Even as I sit here now I feel guilty about what I ate today. It doesn't matter how irrational I know it is, rationality doesn't exist in the world of someone with an eating disorder.

Then there's bulimia nervosa. While it is very similar to anorexia some of the behaviors vary as well as some of the basic mentalities or reasons for their behavior.
307.5 Symptoms of Bulimia Nervosa:
A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following-
1) eating, in a discreet period of time, an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar period period of time under similar circumstances.
2) a sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).
B. Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behavior in order to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting; misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting; or excessive exercise.
C. The binge eating and other inappropriate compensatory behaviors both occur, on the average, at least twice a week for 3 months.
D. Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.
E. The disturbance does not occur exclusively during episodes of Anorexia Nervosa.
       -Purging type: during the current episode of bulimia nervosa, the person has regularly engaged in self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas.
       -Non-purging Type: During the current episode of bulimia nervosa, the person has used other inappropriate compensatory  behaviors, such as fasting or excessive excercise, but has not regularly engaged in self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas.
Other than bulimia and anorexia, there is also an activity disorder which is characterized by excessive activity to burn calories and not stay still.
I used to use my toothbrush to trigger my gag reflex to purge after eating. I have done a good job of not doing that, but I remember a friend of mine and I in high school getting our hands on some ipecac.

But the question is, how did this happen? How did we get this way? There are various theories as to how these disorders can develop within a person. And that will be addressed in the next post...that will be equally long. 



sources:
The Eating Disorder Sourecebook by Carolyn Costin, M.S., M.Ed., M.F.T
The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre
The Thin Woman by Helen Malson
you remind me of you by Eireann Corrigan
and myself